Beckie (Official Voldemort Fangirl) (supersonicchica) wrote in squirrelsdebate,
Beckie (Official Voldemort Fangirl)

KOA vs. USA (United Squirrel Alliance)

Here at the San Antonio KOA, we have beautiful wildlife including the many squirrels that roam freely in the park... For the most part they are well behaved until a few months ago....

There was a incident in the park where a squirrel who obviously hit the bong one time too many ran up a pole and got electecuted by one of our transformers... When Walter (our maintnence manager) found the crispy critter, he was smoked to the skin... After the funeral of Leroy the stoner squirrel, a bitter turf war was started between the San Antonio KOA location and The United Squirrels Alliance... The poor unfortunate loss of Leroy happened on Aug. 11 2006...

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Walter (KOA Maintance Manager)

One week later Jason (one of our courtesy patrol guys) witnessed two squirrels carrying some small arms and then precceded with a drive-by shooting across our tenting area, luckily squirrels, are not the brightest of creatures and forgot it was a Tuesday, no tent campers in the park, leading to no injuries... when confronted about the terrible violence the squirrels quickly explained that they had a union labor meeting and couldn't stay for further questioning....We can only assume that the drive-by shooting was retalitation for the death of their fallen comrade..

13 days after the drive-by shooting, Juan (A work kamper) confronted a squirrel named Enrique and shot him directly in the face with a rubberband... The squirrel did file assault charges and sentencing is still pending with the courts... The squirrel states that attack was unprovoked, but we all know the truth here at KOA...

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Juan, The Squirrel Rubberband Bandito

For about a month everything seemed to quiet down here at the park, until about a week ago, while I was working the registration desk, I peered out the window and witnessed an unindentified squirrel who'll we will name Chester the Molestor masturbating against the gate for the pool... I was lucky enough to get this blurry image of the indecent exposure taking place on my camera phone...

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John Doe aka: Chester the Molestor

This was the last straw here at the KOA and the staff here including myself decided to start negotiations with the United Squirrel Alliance... The leader a narcissistic squirrel named Buckey Johnson, who loved to water skii and continously throw acorns on top of our heads, argued for the civil rights of the squirrel tenants of the park....

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Buckey Johnson, Squirrel Attorney at Law

After 2 days and nights of negotiations we eventually came to an agreement... We will disallow KOA kampers from picking the pecan trees bare, and ample use of our heated pool and spa throughout the year, in exchange the squirrels agreed to stop harrasing the tent campers in the back of the park by mooning them and to stop humping the tires of all of the RV's in the park... together we also agreed to end all violence in the park... So on Sept. 22. 2006 a peace treaty was signed between the staff here at the KOA in San Antonio and the United Squirrel Alliance... let's all be optimistic that the peace here at KOA lasts... for we all secretly know that those squirrels are cheeky bastards and cannot be trusted with a busted acorn let alone a peace treaty...


-Beckie (KOA Work Kamper at San Antonio KOA)

PS: To be continued for sure...

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